2017 was the worst year of my life.
At times, I thought I was secretly writing a country song.
Other times, I just wanted to die.
First, at the start of the year, my dog died.
Then, on January 12th, 2017, I walked into a empty house and a two line “Dear John” letter that simply read “Tim I have made the decision to leave. I’ll email you about the hockey tickets for your birthday next week.”
And with that, my wife of 7 years (together for 10), was gone without warning.
I spent the rest of 2017 deeply depressed, spending at least 25% of the year in bed.
Days became weeks and weeks became months with me having zero motivation or energy to do anything besides sleep the day away.
When I wasn’t stuck in bed, I tried to lift my spirits, drown my sorrows, and anything else I could think of to try and shake the depression.
I burred myself in food, drugs, sex, and rock n roll trying anything I could to numb the pain and try to make sense of what had happened.
I spent a month overseas, several weeks on the road, a lot of nights out, and very little of it sober, hoping something would magically change and make the pain disappear.
In reality I was just trying to escape the pain.
Escape this empty house, escape the hauntingly quiet nights alone and the reality that my life would never be the same.
Anytime the phone rang or someone was at my door I wished it was her coming back.
It never was.
She was my reason for living, the reason why I pushed so hard for the things I did, so that we could one day retire and spend our time traveling the world together.
I white knuckled through a few nights in 2017 where ending it all seemed like the best solution.
I know the experts say it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but when you’re spending nights alone in a house that wasn’t built for you, re-reading every text, email, and social media post involving the two of you, torturing yourself with every memory and asking what you could have done differently, that light at the end of the tunnel gets darker and darker still.
To make matters worse everything else suffered in my life as a result of my depression.
– My health took a major decline
– For several months I became a shut in, to the point that my doctor asked me when the last time I saw the sun was and I couldn’t give him a date
– My other relationships (friends, family, and business) suffered because I lacked the energy to do anything else but just keep myself alive
– I tried to spend my way out of depression. I tell you more about this another time, but tl:dr – it didn’t work
– Overall, business FUCKING SUCKED.
Like really sucked.
Overall business was down because I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to give a fuck about anything, including myself.
Seriously, at times I had to bribe myself with trinkets just to stay alive, so coming up with the next big thing or following whatever fad (Cryptocurrency ring a bell anyone) wasn’t happening.
Despite that, I still had (and have) tremendous guilt for not really being able to be here for you, my staff, or anyone else last year.
With all that being said, here’s what I want you to understand (and I’m writing this to myself as much as I am to you):
#1. You made it. If your 2017 rocked, congratulations and I hope you keep on kicking ass and taking names in 2018.
However, if your 2017 sucked big harry donkey dick balls like mine did, the good news is we’re both still alive and able to make the changes necessary to live a better life from this point forward.
#2. Growth comes from pain. I wouldn’t wish last year on anyone and I’m still dealing with the fallout from it this year. But, I didn’t die, and I know that in time (and if I do the work required) things will get better. I’ll learn from this, process it, and move on and improve my life because of it.
#3. Silver linings. After my wife abandoned our marriage I first let a small group of online friends know. Their messages, phone calls, text and emails at time breathed oxygen into my body when I felt I couldn’t go on. My local friends and family did the best the could to help me and my staff (and even several of the companies I work with) did everything they could to support me during the year.
When I finally went public (or at least Facebook official) about her leaving me, the outpouring of messages and support was like nothing else I had experienced in my life.
And even though everything seemed to go to shit business wise around me, there was one thing that happened to me (maybe it was dumb luck) that will change the way I do business forever, starting this year.
I’ll tell you about that when I find some more motivation and energy to write.
For now, I just wanted to say hi, give you an update on why I’ve been so quiet and share a little bit of what’s been going on behind the scenes.
Until next time,
PS: I’m ok by the way, or as ok as I can be right now.
I’m in therapy, on some new fancy head meds for the depression and trying to slowly get my life back together by staying home and working on my depression instead of traveling so much.
I still feel like I’m at the beginning, sometimes the grief and memories overwhelm me, and there are still days I have trouble getting out of bed.
For now, I’m just taking it one day at a time.