A Year With No Memories

2 years ago today my world fell completely apart.

I walked into an emptied out house and a Dear John letter.

From that letter a relationship of nearly 10 years ended.

My wife had suddenly left me.

I came home from a weekly poker game to what would soon be my new reality.

A house that was built out of love was now silent and still.

The last two years have been the hardest two years of my life.

I’ve been forced to grow as a person and while I’m grateful for some the results, I could have done without the journey and pain to get them.

I’m still angry, bitter, and resentful at times about a lot of things in my life but those feelings dull a little with each passing day and I continue to work on it through therapy and learning from life experiences when I screw up (which I do a lot).

So last year I made a decision – it was time to move on from the past.

You see, for the first year after she left me, I’d torture myself daily with past Facebook Memories of happier times.

If I was feeling extra sadistic toward myself, I’d go re-read the text conversations from the night she left or emails exchanged about the divorce and afterwards.

Then the what if questions would loop in my head for hours.

It was real fun stuff 😉

If I wanted to survive, I knew I had to stop looking in the past to start living in the present.

So for 365 days I stopped looking at my old memories.

I put away all the physical reminders of what once my past life was.

I started trying to seriously date again and focus on a having a healthy relationship for the first time in my life.

My personal life and growth went decently well in 2018.

Everything else went to shit.

My employees bolted.
My business tanked.
My health continued to suffer.

And a long list of other shit that just made giving up seem better and better.

So that’s what I did.

I buried my head in the sand several times last year in hopes that the view would change each time I’d emerge.

It never did.

So if that didn’t fix the problem, I guess it means it’s time to get back to work.

I’m getting things back on track professionally this year like I started to do personally last year.

My health is slowly improving, the brain fog is starting to lift and the desire to do something with myself and my time remaining is coming back.

I’ve got some big plans for 2019.

I’ll share them with you in a later email.

Right now I’m going to crawl back into bed and force myself to watch Netflix all day and try to forget this day exist.

Hug the ones you love in the meantime.

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